So I'm not sure if I want this post to be more about marriage or more about figuring out who you are on your own. So maybe I'll split this post up into two parts. First: the joys of marriage. and Second: how I've grown since.
So one thing I can honestly say is I MISS MARRIAGE. While I can't necessarily say I'm not better off now, I can definitely say my feelings are more nostalgic than anything. Marriage is awesome. Being around your best friend all the time, cooking meals, watching t.v. and really just having quality time together. (yes that is my main love language) And even though you may have struggles and fights, you still get to cuddle at night and come home from work to a person who deeply cares about you and how your day went. There's no small talk between you because you really can talk about all the intimate parts of your day if you want. Then there's the vacations and mini trips or get aways together. There is nothing more wonderful in the world then feeling like you are with your other half and knowing you are loved. So above anything else, I miss feeling that love I suppose.
But here is how I have grown since. When Ty and I got married I was 18 and a freshman in college. My parents paid my tuition and housing and though I did work, my pay really just went into saving or just spending money. I didn't know how to do anything. I wasn't strong in my beliefs and I certainly wasn't confident in my independence. But since then I have graduated. I have a full time job. I balance my check book, and heck I even save up money for big vacations still. I don't need to be constantly around someone to be happy (although I do prefer it). I can sleep in a dark room by myself for the first time in my life. I keep busy with 3 jobs, but I definitely find time for hobbies still as well! While I'm still not rock solid in my beliefs I at least feel that all of my actions are more my choice. I don't feel pressured to go to church or read scriptures because someone else wants me to. I do it because I want to and that makes me stronger. And of course I still struggle with selfish tendencies (since that has always sort of been a problem for me) I am working on it. I give as much love as I can to my dogs and my friends and really anyone that needs it. I am working on becoming a better person and I'm doing it on my own. Hopefully now when I find my Mr Right I'll be able to take all of these life lessons and be happy and comfortable in that relationship with a balanced level of independence and dependence.
Well anyways it's still a special day somewhat for me so I figure I'll get myself some dessert and martinellis and watch myself a chick-flick. Time to commemorate what could've been 3 years of marriage but instead is one year of wonderful independence.
~Amanda Rehak
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